“All I Ever Wanted” (by Cortney Joseph)

All I ever wanted was someone to love me, to understand that I was only looking for the proper guidance and acceptance I never found at home.

And I got that love alright. And it came in the form of a man looking for the adulation of a young girl who hadn’t seen or been taught better.

“You’re so beautiful. You’re so beautiful. You’re so beautiful, and I can show you all the things you’ve never seen, give you all the things you’ve never had.

Take you all the places you’ve never been, so long as I can… have you.”

And he had me. And then he had me wrapped around his fingers, controlling my every thought and move. Believing every lie, fairytale, and fallacy as I clung to my deluded ideal of what love really was. Black eyes and sleepless nights wondering when he gon’ stop fooling around with the next chick, and the next chick after her. Lying to myself and my friends.

“Girl, he just be playing. He really loves me.

Girl, he just get a little bored from time to time and I forget to spice it up, to keep it fresh. But he really loves me.

He didn’t mean it, he was only mad.

I shouldn’t have did what I did, shouldn’t have said what I said. Girl, you know he really loves me.

Girl he bought me things.

Girl, he sexed me day and night, taught me things I hadn’t even learned from the little boys I played around with before.

Girl, I was his queen, and he saw a future for us, and I was going to be the one to carry his name. To wear his ring. To have his big-headed ass babies.”

But girl, I had the baby. And he’s nowhere to be found. And I’m no longer beautiful, and I’m no longer valuable.

But girl, I’m still good enough for a tussle under the sheets every now and then. Shouldn’t complain because at least he still tells me that he ‘loves’ me every now and then.

Just every now and then. And I guess that’s good enough, because at least somebody says they love me.

And that’s all I ever wanted.

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