** Words from 13-year-old Cortney that still resonate deeply with 30-year-old Cortney.
Mind if I sit here for just a moment? I wanna … talk to you, for just a while.
I know it’s been a while, I know I never visit.
I just…. I find it so hard to accept, understand. I can’t comprehend why we have to talk this way.
Why I have to send whispers through Heaven.
See, it’s been some years and I’ve been shedding tears, wondering what we’d be like if you were here.
If I could hold you near and tell you all that I do; all that I go through in hopes of making you proud.
I hope that you’re proud.
How have you been? Is it nice there? Do you miss me?
Silly questions I know, forgive me. I just wonder these things. Not knowing hurts sometimes.
I’m still shedding tears, trying to make it through without breaking down… never letting on
That I long for just a single touch.
I imagine your voice, soft and low telling me there’s no need to cry, but I cry anyway
Just imagining how it’d feel to hear you say “don’t cry.”
You’d probably say stay positive, push forward…
And I try, wishing you were here to share in what success I do find…
It sometimes brings me back down, brings me back to that place in my mind that wants to cry and hide.
Makes me mad that I have to whisper through Heaven just to give you this letter, just to say …
I need you.
Couldn’t you have stayed? Couldn’t we have had more time, more moments? I need you.
Silly and selfish of me, I know. Forgive me, I shouldn’t question these things.
I just wonder what it’d feel like to be in the comfort of your arms again.
To dream and wake up and see you standing there; I need you.
I need a hug, a small embrace … just a little moment, some reassurance that you hear me
And you need me too. That you miss me too.
Here come the tears again, I’ll let them fall on this paper.
They’ll be my kisses on this letter that I’m whispering through Heaven.
I know you’ll get it, just as I know God’s got you.
I’ll keep dreaming, waiting for that assurance. Wishing for one last moment.
One last kiss, one last hug … a gentle breeze across my shoulder, your touch…
I miss you.