A Change

Something great has been happening.

Lately I’ve been going to church. I’ve ALWAYS had a relationship with God, have always believed and known God, but of course we’re supposed to have a home church or at least frequent a physical House of God. That had not been the case in many years. I believe other than a few visits sprinkled out, I hadn’t consistently been to an actual church since I was maybe 17 or 18.

You don’t always feel at home, or you don’t feel some of the teachings are for you directly. I also like to be preached TO and not preached AT if that makes sense. I also can’t enjoy the word when there’s excessive and unnecessary hollering (sorry).

Well, while I still don’t feel any specific church is or will be HOME just yet, I’ve been frequenting two amazing churches and so many wonderful things have been placed on my mind and heart.

I’ve been letting go of A LOT lately, and I feel proud to have taken that step (with a little nudge from a wonderful family member of mine).

I’d been so torn up inside and mentally about so many things and it just seemed as if I would never be okay. To my great joy, I’ve been okay as of late. And with so much off my shoulder, thanks to these visits and of course God never leaving me, I feel as if I’m finding myself again.

My strength to keep going (I felt I couldn’t after losing my brother). My passion for the talent I have (so much doubt took hold of my mind). And I’m having more moments of happiness (because depression was/is a HUGE battle).

A change is happening, and I’m excited.


First WIP of 2022. “There’ll Be Bluebirds”.

I’m so excited to announce my first full project of the year!

I’m hoping for it to be a short novella or full novel (we’ll see what happens and how the story wishes to be told as I go along), and I have a feeling that it’s going to be one of my favorite stories to tell.

As I’ve learned about myself recently, I TRULY enjoy writing stories set in past decades, sometimes decades before I was even a thought. I truly believe that is my niche. I have my most fun as a creative doing the research and learning about the past while piecing together a world and story worth exploring through the eyes of a Millennial.

With that said, I’m so happy and excited to make a quick introduction of “There’ll Be Bluebirds”. I’m sure most of us are familiar with the myth or idea that the bluebird is a signifier of overall happiness and/or hope, of faith in the future and what may come.

While this may not be the final title for this work in process, happiness (or finding happiness) is what I intend to be the overall theme of the story.

Set in post war 1940s, an African American soldier finds himself in a town he’s never lived, trying to navigate a new life with unfamiliar yet friendly individuals. In one of those individuals, he feels a sense of peace and familiarity but neither of them has a full understanding of why. (this is NOT a full synopsis, just what I have for now).

I intend for this to be a bit of a drama and romance, but I have this tendency to blend multiple genres, so I’m not truly sure how to define it just yet. I can only say, as long as this idea has been in my head and the way it won’t go away, it is a story that I am meant to tell and it will come straight from my heart.

I will share the first few snippets or chapters here, with the full story being posted on my Wattpad.

I cannot wait to share, cannot wait for you all to meet these characters. With the growing ideas and the way I’m shaping them, I just know you’ll love them as much as I do.

xoxo, Cortney!

Let’s Stay Connected (Click The Sites Below To Follow)

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It’s Our Anniversary!

Do you know what today is?!

That’s right, MyPenWritesNice is officially 5 years old today. FIVE! It’s so hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that I not only started something big, to me, but I have kept it going in spite of the many obstacles life has thrown my way.

I’ve seen growth, not only with this site and those of you who have stuck with me since day one (and those who have joined along the way) but also growth in myself as an artist.

As someone who is hyper critical of themself, I’ve found in starting and trying my best to maintain this website that making this move was just what I needed to teach myself to have patience AND trust in myself and my talents.

I can’t begin to thank everyone that has read, liked, commented, shared, or even just clicked around the site in curiosity. The engagement from different countries is what continues to surprise me, and I can only hope that my words have touched and/or resonated with readers in all of these amazing places in some way or another.

To celebrate a bit, I thought we’d take a trip down memory lane with a few of my favorite stories that I’ve posted over our first five years. Check them out below.

As always happy reading, thank you so much, and I appreciate you all very much!

  1. A Friend In Need (by Cortney Joseph)The very FIRST short story I shared via MPWN.
  2. So The Myth Goes [“Prayer Lake” Intro] by Cortney JosephMy very first attempt at writing horror.
  3. A Life To Remember : Prologue by Cortney JosephA look into one of my favorite types of stories to write (period/era pieces)
  4. A Place In The Sun (Intro) by YoLana CrocketOne of the very first stories shared by a fellow writer/friend in support of MPWN.
  5. A Meeting In Secret (‘Batiste’ Novel Snippet) by Cortney Joseph One of my favorite shorts/snippets to share when I’m promoting the site!

Have a read, leave me your thoughts, and I look forward to how we’ll grow within year five!

xoxo, Cortney.

Let’s Stay Connected (Click The Sites Below To Follow)

Twitter, Twitter 2





So, lately I’ve been toying with the idea of what I should do until I finally regain my personal time (it’s so close!) and focus on what is supposed to be my official debut novel. The idea was that I’d be completely done by now and I’d be releasing it on my brother’s birthday, as a special dedication to him, as he was my reason for everything I was trying to do.

Unfortunately, I’ve been working (and mostly overtime) during the entirety of the Pika-Pikachu (pandemic) and I just haven’t had the time to give it the love and care that it deserves. BELIEVE ME, Fly Girl is coming … just not in 2021.

In the meantime, I brought up the idea of a three mini-novel series to a dear friend of mine and the idea to revisit a story I never completed hit me. The entire novel I speak of centered around three sisters and I was trying to tell their personal stories within one book. Truthfully, it was great, but it wasn’t working out the way I wanted so I set it aside.

I’ve considered breaking down that novel, giving each sister their own short series. And, to build my audience and consistency back up (it’s happening soon, I’m so excited!), I was thinking I could share their stories here.

Now, I have shared a snippet or two from that novel before, and I will link it/them below.

Snippet 1

Snippet 2

Both snippets feature two of the three sisters, and give just a little detail into what each of them were dealing with. I’ve fallen completely in love with the idea of them again and want to pick it back up to get myself going again.

Naturally, as with most of my stories and novels, I don’t have a name for the complete series or the individual mini-novels, but of course I will update when I come up with something. Or, perhaps, you can share any ideas you have for titles in the comment section (I’d greatly appreciate it).

For a little help, the sisters are currently named April, May, and June. I don’t see myself changing that little detail, but I may later on down the line. Ideas for titles are still very much welcomed.

Again, I cannot stress how excited I am to be regaining time to myself AND time to focus on my passion and what I love the most; writing.

It has been a very bumpy road, and these past two years I haven’t been completely sure if this was still my purpose. It is, and I can’t wait to bring those of you who have been enjoying and supporting the site some brand new content.

Of course, I’m shooting to begin semi-regular posting mid-late December, but if not then I’ll sprinkle a few things here and there and in 2022, we’re coming in swinging for the fifth anniversary of MPWN!

As always, to those who read and like my posts, thank you so much. I would like to leave a gentle reminder that I am a writer that seeks feedback via comments, so I’d truly love to hear from you all a lot more. I welcome it all, love as well as constructive criticism.

If you would like to keep up with me, in the meantime, outside of the site, you can follow me on Instagram and Twitter. Click the highlighted links, follow and let’s chat sometime.

As always, happy reading and if you’re a writer too, I’m sending lots of creativity dust your way.

xoxo, Cortney!


Closing Out The Year With A Bang, or Attempting To.

So, we all know by now that I have a bit of trouble with consistency. Be it because of life and it’s obstacles, or just the fact that I sometimes lose sight of myself and my gifts; I am forever talking about how I want to refocus and pull it together.

Though I haven’t fully gotten the results that I initially hoped for when I began MyPenWritesNice, I’ve grown to love this site and I am extremely proud of this investment (the website as a whole) that I’ve made in myself and my talent.

With that being said, a consistent struggle that plays into my consistency is that I never know what I want to do or what direction I should go in. Naturally, I feel that I should reach out for a bit of advice because I value greatly any and all advice and commentary that I receive.

I’ve been getting reads and likes when I’ve uploaded lately, but I’m missing out on comments and feedback. So, I would like to use this post to reach out for that, and gauge an idea of what you guys would like to read from me.

Any particular genre you think I should try or you think my style of writing might fit into?

Also, I want to post heavily in December. A great opportunity has come that may allow me a bit more time to finally focus and get back into my writing bag heavily. Would you guys be interested in a countdown to Christmas type of series? Where I post a certain number days in a row with Christmas and Holiday themed shorts?

Lastly, I’m looking to expand my site a bit by sharing the work of other authors who, like me, have a small following and may want to reach a new audience. I always say that my following isn’t massive, but I’ve noticed that my readers are a very consistent group and always come through when I make my way back with new work (I appreciate you!).

Would you like your work showcased in my Writer’s Spotlight section? If so, leave me a link to your work or shoot me a message.

Please, please, as I get back into sharing my poems and stories, leave your thoughts and opinions in the comments. I value both the good and bad, and feel it is essential for my growth!

Connect with me via twitter : CoceauxPuff & MyPenWritesNice

Instagram : MyPenWritesNice

Facebook : Cortney J

And, if you’ve ever enjoyed any of my works, and you feel it to do so, please donate towards all future projects coming from MyPenWritesNice


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Have a wonderful day, and happy reading and writing!

xoxo, Cortney.


Let’s Get Connected.

So, while working on new things and trying to figure out new ways to promote myself and my work in 2021, I decided to dabble into areas I might not have considered before. And, while I’m sharing mine, I’d love to follow and connect with you as well so please share where I can find you all.

1. Tiktok : @ coceauxpuff

Where you’ll be able to hear snippets of all poetry, and assuming I get good at the app… Short scenes from my stories and novels played out.

2. YouTube : I can be found at both Just Cortney which is meant to be a vlog channel, and SpokenByCort which is a channel that deals with all things WRITING, my published works, and MyPenWritesNice.

3. Twitter : @ MyPenWritesNice (author page), & Coceauxpuff (personal page)

4. Facebook : Cortney J.

5. Instagram : MyPenWritesNice

Again, I would love to connect with you all, so be sure to hit those links, follow… subscribe… add, etc. And let me know where I can do the same for you.


Let’s Celebrate!

Anniversaries come but once a year, and for MyPenWritesNice, a very special one has arrived.

In the words of the legendary Tony Toni Tone, “do you know what today iiiiisssss?”


That’s right! Today marks the official third anniversary of MyPenWritesNice.com! The site began when Cortney decided it was time to set some of her fears aside and share her beautiful gift with the world. To date there have been over a thousand visitors and thousands of views across multiple countries and I am more than confident that there is more to come!

It is her hope that those who have followed and fresh readers will stick along for the continuing journey. It’s going to be a great one.


To celebrate MyPenWritesNice’s third anniversary, Cortney has asked that everyone take a trip throughout the site and take a new look at some or all of your old favorites. PLEASE share your favorite short stories and poems with your friends and family, via social media, and be sure to tag her on twitter @MyPenWritesNice and @WrittenByCort, you can also find and follower her on instagram @MyPenWritesNice.

Be sure to leave comments, share how her work has made you feel, and let us know what you’re looking forward to in 2020!


Happy Anniversary and Happy Reading!



“Dreams Of You” by Cortney Joseph

We were beneath the tree beside our house.

Me in my little pink corvette, you in your yellow prowler.


We were talking big smack, passing licks and clowning around.

Racing each other up and down the street until the sun went down.


Then you stood, and you smiled.

Your hands rose, you began to wave goodbye.


Tears fell and I prepared my plea for you to stay,

You smiled and said “Sister, you did great. Sister, you’ll be fine.”


In an instant you faded,

And I awoke,

Happy for the dream of a last moment,

Yet saddened there’ll be no more real.




Dedicated to : Sandy De’Marcus Joseph

December 1, 1993 – December 18, 2019

I’ll love you always, Baby Boy.




Work In Progress, #1 (An Update)


I’ve finally reminded myself that I’ve been doing a little too much playing around. And by ‘playing around’, I mean not putting my talent to use. Doubting myself entirely too much. And just being plain old LAZY.

I’ve been telling myself that I have to stop using these sad and depressed moods of mine (though valid, to me) as an excuse to make excuses and give up on the thing I love most.



Let’s be honest; no matter how hard I fight or how many times I say I’m quitting (which is about a hundred times a day); the talent, the ideas, and the big goals and dreams I have for myself aren’t going anywhere.

It’s taking a lot longer than I anticipated (nearly twenty years now since I first picked up a pen by choice — nearly ten since I’ve been publishing my work and promoting on my own), but it’s NOT going anywhere.


By this point in 2019, I’d promised myself that I would have published my first OFFICIAL novel. My first one that I won’t have to remove from online because of some sort of theft or other scandal again (I pray no one does me dirty again).

It hasn’t happened. And while there have been many obstacles, many incidents that took away my focus from my tasks, a great deal of NO RESULT OR PRODUCT is my own fault.

I’ve decided tonight, September 19, 2019 that I am pushing all doubt, fears, and more aside. I am ready to work on, complete, and publish my novel. I feel I need to be seen beyond my poetry and short stories, and I can’t do that if I keep on holding myself back.

Now, originally, my official debut novel was to be Fly Girl, I even released a snippet of the intended intro. However, I’ve developed very harsh feelings towards that novel (as well as other works of mine that could very well be published), and I have the feeling that I just need to attempt something FRESH.

Who knows, that may change in the middle of me writing whatever I’m going to start tonight, who knows I may even publish the new novel AND Fly Girl. I just know that I need to get down to business and produce the quality work that so many believe I can deliver. I also MUST believe that I can deliver that quality work as well. And for once, I believe. I’m ready.




With all that being said; I’m not sure how long it will take me to write and publish. But this will be the official announcement of SOMETHING coming, and I think along the way I will post updates of sorts. This may include written posts here on MyPenWritesNice, as well as video updates on my youtube channel Just Cortney. May even toss in a few new poems over on my poetry channel as well, SpokenByCort. So, be sure to hit the subscribe button on those channels and be on the look out!


Now, I would also like to make mention that all of this is being done independently. While I gladly use my own funds for any and everything that I do when I self-publish any of my works, lately that has become a bit difficult as I have other responsibilities to take care of first.

For the first time in all of the years I have been working alone; I have begun accepting donations and contributions that will go towards any publishing, shipping, payment of artists other than myself (as I love to support the hard work of others, as many have supported me over the years).

As I have not found a service (that I like) that I can tie in with the MyPenWritesNice site; I have two ways of accepting donations if anyone reading and supporting feels the desire to contribute. Any and all amounts are GREATLY appreciated.

The first, is my CashApp; $cdeshaye

And the second is my PayPal; MyPenWritesNice



Lastly; I want to end this post with a HUGE thank you to everyone that has been in my corner in some way or another. Especially when I am feeling down or being extremely hard on myself. I can’t begin to explain how your words of support and encouragement have pulled me out of many many moments when I felt like throwing in the towel. I think all that I am about to mention know me well enough to constantly, even when it annoys them, remind me why I shouldn’t and can’t give up on myself or my dreams.

So, thank you to my father and stepmother, brother and sister, my aunts and uncles, and many cousins who cut no corners and offer up every solution in the world (going WAY out of their way) so long as it means I’m comfortable and continuing with my goals. For reminding me with those rough yet gentle talks that only greatness lies within me, that greatness is all that we, as a family, exude. Your love and support carries me high, and I am so very proud to be a Johnson because of you all.

To my aunt Stella for staying ON me about the words that I speak and the great weight that they hold. For being my shoulder to cry on, my listening ear, and intertwining your own growth, wisdom, and lessons you are continuously learning into the things you tell me to lift me back up when I’ve hit my lowest. Only you have seen me that way, and only you have the exact words to bring me back right where I need to be mentally and spiritually. I love you beyond all of the words that could ever slip past my fingertips.

To my grandmother, Catherine, for always being prepared to buy the many MANY works I always talk about working on but never publish or have ready for sale. If ever I create some sort of guardian angel in a future novel or short, please believe she’ll be the sweetest and most loving because she’ll be modeled after you.

My uncle Solomon for being one of my biggest cheerleaders. Your loving words of encouragement and support mean EVERYTHING to me! I cherish them greatly, and hope that I always make you proud with my future endeavors.

To my dear, closest friends; I think I’ve told you all in some way or another how much you, your friendship, and your support means to me. But it never hurts to make it known again and again. Kirsten and Coty (my very best friends), Jae, De’Leon, Moyet, Tangella, Yo’Lana, Sage (even when we’re not talking), Nita (my favorite author that I know personally), Bronnie, Lareesa, COOP!, Sheryl, and Jalen. Glyn, Leshae, Ayana, Izzy (thank y’all especially for being the level headed ‘Temptations’ to my irrational –doubting myself so terribly — ‘David Ruffin’. I know I aggravate y’all, but I thank you all for understanding why I was the way I’m leaving behind).

And, once more to those who have stumbled across my site and have stuck around to read any and/or everything I’ve ever posted over the last two and a half years; THANK YOU. Because you are ALL what motivates me to come back and keep this thing going as well.


See you all in a while with an update on how this new W.I.P. is going. I know it’s going to be great, and I can not wait to share it!


xoxo, Cortney.




What’s Next? Publishing Again!

So, my #ShortStoryAugust challenge came to a bit of an abrupt end a few days ago, but I wasn’t certain if I was completely done.

No, I’m not going to try and make up and post for the missing days or try to finish out the month. With work and other things occurring, I simply don’t have the time.

However, what I am considering is doing a short story collection featuring a select number of the stories I’ve shared during the challenge, as well as a few that have been sitting on the site for some time now and a new one or two.


Where do you all come in?

My hope is that you would all be so kind as to take a vote as to which of my favorites you enjoyed as well. I can admit, I’m never satisfied with everything I write, but I think I got a good one or two tossed in.

I would gladly appreciate those of you who have enjoyed anything I’ve shared over the last two years, to take a vote on the ones I’ve selected for possible inclusion in what I consider to be my next big project. For a refresher on certain shorts, you can find the links below the poll. I have left the option for multiple votes open, simply because I want to get as many votes as I can before I begin working on the collection, so feel free to vote as many times as you’d like for your choice. Happy reading, and thanks for all the support thus far!



A Friend In Need (by Cortney Joseph)

Love Is Blind (by Cortney Joseph)

Keep You Home (by Cortney Joseph)

Silly Wasn’t I by Cortney Joseph #ShortStoryAugust

Maybe I Deserve by Cortney Joseph #ShortStoryAugust

As If We Never Met by Cortney Joseph #ShortStoryAugust





#ShortStoryAugust 2019 Is Here!

Today is officially August first, and a challenge I presented at the beginning of July has now begun!

For anyone interested in participating with me, please check out the original #SSA post, and find out how to make sure your wonderful works are seen and how they can be shared by me.

My audience isn’t that large yet, but I do have some really wonderful frequent readers and I am sure they’ll appreciate great art from others.


Hope to see many more than myself participating. And if you are, happy writing!


xoxo, Cortney


Short Story August? Anyone Interested?



So, to get back into the habit of writing, and writing OFTEN, I was considering taking the time this summer to write and post a NEW short story every day for the month of August.

Yep, that’s 31 short stories in a single month! I personally consider this to be a challenge because it has become so easy for me to become sidetracked, to lose focus, or to simply not have the energy to grab a pen or sit in front of my keyboard and do what truly brings me joy. Life happens, of course, but lately it’s had a way of taking me way down and it interferes in the worst way with my dream and talent.

I would like to challenge myself, and I would love it very much if a few others opted to join in the challenge with me.


If interested, please leave a comment letting me know you’re joining in on #ShortStoryAugust. Let me know where you’ll be sharing your posts so that I can share them to the audience that I have, and so that we can get a system of encouragement going for our fellow writers. Where can we follow one another?

You can find me on Twitter, at either WrittenByCort or MyPenWritesNice, and on Instagram at WrittenByCort.

Hope to get a few of you in on the challenge. Happy writing!


Fly Girl by Cortney Joseph [Novel Snippet]

The following is a snippet/intro for my upcoming novel, Fly Girl. Please feel free to share your thoughts/opinions, as I am in the editing stages and looking for any and all feedback as I work to piece together the final version.




Prelude: Interview With Broken Idols




“Major success. At the height of it all, you were one of the bestselling acts. Among the elite of the late nineties and beginning of the early two-thousands, with multi-platinum selling albums, sold out national and international tours. You’ve won several of the recording industry’s top awards as a group and within your solo endeavors. Certainly, there were more albums, tours, and endorsements in the works. All planned to further the success of Fly Girl. And then, you were done after seven short years. What happened?”


As she sat among the very women she’d grown up watching, adoring and admiring, wishing she too could have lived such a glamourous life, Andrea Harper asked the same question of all four members of Fly Girl. The interview was exclusive, highly coveted by some of the day’s top entertainment journalists. Per their request, she spoke to each woman separately, trying to gather why they couldn’t bare to be in the same room, even for a few short hours.

It had been a little over two years since any of them had been out in the spotlight, and even longer since any of them took to doing interviews that would include talks of a part of the past that they felt had dragged them all down in one way or another. And much longer since one half of the group had spoken to the other half.

Though they were all within the same age range, it was quite clear what the years of the stress and pressure to be to be perfect, trying to appease everyone around them had done to them. Their façades cracked, years added to their once youthful faces.

Troy; the youngest member of the group, often deemed the lead singer, sat comfortably in her chair. If you were to look at her; her sweet disposition, the smile she always wore whether happy or sad would give the appearance that all was quite well in her life. After all, once Fly Girl split, it was said that she’d be the one to leave the entire ordeal unscathed, destined for solo stardom whether she wanted it that way or not. If you were to look past that smile, and down towards where her right arm rested, you’d see a cane resting next to her chair, waiting to be used if she chose to stand. Only twenty-five, the rest of her life had already been mapped out as a lifetime of medications to manage pain and spasms that came and went as they pleased.

Torii; Troy’s older sister, bore a different struggle. Though she’d initially been happy to end matters with Fly Girl, it came with expectations she soon realized she couldn’t and didn’t want to live up to. She too had been set up to have solo success following the group’s disbandment, and for a time she’d found it. And then, it became about matching Fly Girl’s success, living up to all that fans and critics believed her sister was and could have been. Comparisons and demands became too much. A young wife and mother, she decided quickly that a quiet life back home in Mount Pleasant, Tennessee was what she wanted and needed most.

Leann; the oldest, who at one point had been the most sensible and a bit of a mother figure for the other girls, had taken the worst fall from grace. Trying to raise herself and a younger sibling after leaving New Orleans, Louisiana; she felt there were nothing but good times ahead when she’d been selected as the lone rapper of Fly Girl. A once in a lifetime opportunity that came with perks and benefits far beyond her wildest dreams; she was certain there was no way she’d go back to her old life. She wouldn’t trade her new success and joy for anything. However, it had never been easy out running personal demons and as she’d often feared, they’d caught up to her when she least expected.

Ava; the second oldest, had found freedom outside of her home in Phoenix, Arizona. She’d quickly swapped control over her life from one bad influence to another, only hoping for the best in each new situation she placed herself in. Singing had become an escape, though she was often told that she was not good enough, that she would never make it far in life with her foolish dreams. She’d proved so many people wrong, including her parents; and the last thing she’d wanted was the disbandment of the group that had brought her so much happiness and success. The last thing she’d ever do was admit that she had a huge hand in the group’s downfall as well as her own.


As Andrea asked them all the same question again, they all gave their honest answers and opinions. There was no image to keep up any longer. No one standing behind them, coaching them on what to say through a tiny mic and special ear pieces as a part of media training.

Leann looked down at her hands. “What happened? Egos, favoritism, underhanded dealings with a lot of snakes. A lot of sleeping around, as far as I know, with producers and label executives.”

“On whose part?”

Leann smiled. “Not mine, though almost all of those perverts tried.”

“Is that all you feel caused the downfall of Fly Girl?”

“That’s the majority of it.” She shrugged, growing hot within the small room they occupied. Removing her jacket, Leann spoke lowly. “I’ve always felt that the people who discovered,” she stopped. “scratch that. The people who put us together and packaged us as a complete group of four knew exactly what their intentions were. See, Fly Girl wasn’t supposed to be successful. One hit, sure. Two, a fluke or pure luck. We weren’t supposed to have more than one album. It was supposed to be Fly Girl, Fly Girl ends, then Introducing Troy Mercier. If Torii happened to get a deal out of it, then that would have been great for her. As for Ava and me; we were just backup, and barely that. I might have gotten features here and there on whoever was the big rap star at the time, but my time was always limited.” Leann sat up straight in her chair after draping her jacket over her legs. “I just wish they had told us that shit from the get-go. The fallout wouldn’t have been so bad. Wouldn’t have hurt as much.”

During her interview Torii sat quietly, holding on to her newborn as she took a few minutes to think about her answer. No, she wasn’t going to be politically correct, but she didn’t want to come off rude or hateful in her tone either. Fly Girl had become such a touchy subject in such a short amount of time. Anytime she or her sister spoke out it became some type of issue and she didn’t want or need any more drama between herself and Leann or Ava.

“Egos. One big, one non-existent, two so small that it could be considered naivety.”

“You believe egos are necessary, or unnecessary?”

“If you believe you are the greatest, doing all the work when there’s three other people in the group, on top of a hundred more working behind the scenes to make you look good, and a million more supporting you and keeping you on top, but you’re failing to give credit or thanks; it’s unnecessary. If you think you’ve made it so far without God, whatever God you serve, then yes, your ego is unnecessary. It’s okay to feel yourself, it’s okay to know you’re great.” Torii paused for a moment, trying to collect her thoughts. “When I say so small that it was basically naivety, it was two individuals giving thanks and credit to everyone, except for themselves sometimes; failing to recognize how big the part they played was. When I say one was non-existent, it was an individual giving credit to no one, including their self, except for the person who was dragging them down. When I say one was big; couldn’t tell that individual anything. It was all them, all the time. They could do no wrong in their own eyes when they were messing up everything.”

“Anything else you believe played a role in the ending of Fly Girl?”

Torii nodded her head. “Management. Whispering in ears, saying one thing to one girl, saying something else to another girl. Happened every day, from the very beginning to the very end. Fly Girl was a ticking bomb waiting to go off, simply because too few people had our best interests at heart. I don’t believe we were supposed to make it, but when we did, and the money came rolling in…” Torii smiled a little, clearing her throat as she readjusted her baby in her arms.

“And was there really favoritism?”

“Not that I knew of at the time. I guess a lot of people like to feel that way because I married within the industry, and within the immediate circle that surrounded us. My husband’s an artist and producer as well. What they fail to realize is that he was also a part of a group, the male group that debuted with Fly Girl. He never produced for Fly Girl, never even worked with Fly Girl unless we toured together or popped up in each other’s music videos. He and I did one duet, while we were in our respective groups, produced by someone far larger than he was at the time. So the sleeping around for leads or better produced tracks for the solo songs we did for each album,” Andrea nodded. “if it happened, it wasn’t me.”


Able to make her interview once she was assured that none of the other group members were in the building, Ava also took her time to give an answer. So used to being ignored or never given the chance to answer for herself, she was unsure if she wanted to keep it to a minimum or speak out fully. Doing so once before had landed her in hot water, and she was uncertain if she wanted to go down that road again.

Then again, knowing her former groupmates as well as she felt she did; she knew that at least one of them, if not all, would attempt to make her look bad in one way or another.

“What do I believe happened that led to our disbanding?”


Ava ran her fingers through her hair. “It was never meant to last. They just dragged it out while creating more tension, lies, and pain. As I’d been told, I was the weakest singer. Soon enough, everybody ganged up on me, telling me that as often as they could. For my end of the damage, I gave up, stopped caring about the group as time went on.”

“But as far as the internal issues between the four of you; the constant fighting that fans heard about after it was all over. Who or what is to blame for that?”

“Everyone. Egos, pride and a whole lot of bullshit. We acted as if we loved one other, played like we were a real family, but I honestly believe there was never any type of love. Not genuine love, not from the other girls.” Old feelings began to surface, anger and venom dripped through her words. “Drugs and alcohol, immaturity, issues with management and theft. A LOT of sleeping around.”

“Are you guilty of any of that?”

“Yes, but I won’t say what just yet. I will say; it was half of a group effort to keep ourselves together while struggling to work with one another. It was a full group effort in tearing ourselves down. They just like to throw the blame at one person. It was all of us.”

Troy arrived last. She was the member Andrea had the most trouble tracking down. For the most part, she wanted nothing else to do with Fly Girl. It simply wasn’t worth it, not for her, to stress and make herself and her health worse over something that never should have even began. If she could have forgotten that Fly Girl even happened, she would have.

“What happened to cause the end? Same stuff that happens in most girl groups; cattiness. But, I’m sure all four of us can agree on egos.”

“Yes, that’s the number one reason from all of you.”

Troy nodded her head, sighing as she tried to sit comfortably in her chair. “Management telling us all one thing while doing another. Telling two of us that there was a guaranteed future while promising the other two nothing but a trip back to their hometown. Constant threats of being kicked out and replaced if things weren’t done the way management wanted. Jealousy. There are claims of favoritism, but really it was acts of greed and lies being fed to turn the outcome of the group into the wrong person’s favor. There was sleeping around, but the rumors of who was doing the sleeping around have always been false.”

“The rumors that someone slept with producers and writers for leads?”

“Tuh, it never took the promise of leads for that particular person to sleep around, they just did it and let the world believe bullshit to make them feel better about their self. I suppose.”

Andrea nodded, extremely curious as to who fit the exact descriptions of the incidents each member spoke of. “Anything else happen?”

“Mismanagement of money, lots and lots of theft. Internal issues between the four of us; a lot of ignorance, immaturity, and pettiness. Dishonesty, disloyalty. Lack of trust. Bad company and circles that some of us surrounded ourselves with.” Troy paused, looking at Andrea. “Drug abuse, physical and mental abuse, illnesses, and personal issues that others didn’t or chose not to understand because it wasn’t happening to them. Most importantly, and what a lot of people don’t realize,” Troy stopped and cleared her throat. “we were four teenagers, the youngest being thirteen when selected. Two of whom were placed with complete strangers and expected to bond within the time space of a week. Two of whom came from places where they didn’t have social skills, didn’t know anything about socializing because they’d always felt alone anyway. You’ve got siblings in the group, so two automatically feel as if it’s them against the siblings, as well as them against the world and everyone else. You’ve got two, unbeknownst to them early on, being put up on a pedestal and instructed to act as if everything is all good. We were impressionable, could be told anything and we would have believed it if we were too tired to do a little extra research or a little extra reading into contracts we were told to sign. Most times, we were too tired. Most times we were assured that we didn’t even need to read, and we went with that because we trusted the adults that handled us. Extremely naive teenagers, so naive that we were damn near dumb. We were still discovering who we were, we could have easily been molded in any way and fashion they chose if there were no parents or adult family members with us.”

“And were your parents around?”

Troy shook her head. “Not on the tours or in the studios or anywhere outside of Tennessee, Louisiana, and Arizona where we came from. We had one adult that truly cared and everybody else knew how to pretend enough to keep us comfortable and safe, they knew how to gain our trust.”

“While gaining your trust, did they try to change you all immediately?”

“I can’t speak for the other members; but I know those people went through hell and high-water trying to change how I saw myself, what I did, and what I said. And how I acted with my sister and the others. I didn’t see it that way then, but they tried to pit me against everybody early on, I just never had it in me to turn my back on anyone, especially my sister. They went through hell trying to force and pressure me into things I knew weren’t right. And yeah, some I went along with because I had this great fear, at the time, of being kicked out. Being told I’ll never sing again; we were all told that. Imagine hearing I can end your career now, forever when you’re that young. Imagine hearing that when all you know how to do is sing and dance, or rap and dance.” Troy chuckled at the thought of all she’d heard in her young life, shaking her head at how foolish she’d been to believe most of it. “It’s some mess thrown in from all of us, I’m certain; and I believe to an extent that we’re all to blame. Certain things can be excused because of circumstances, but some can never be excused or forgiven.”


Andrea nodded, leaning forward in her seat. “I’m going to ask you one final question. The same I’ve asked Torii, Leann, and Ava.”


“We hear of old groups reuniting nowadays for award shows, small tours, and even a few because they missed one another. Do you ever see Fly Girl reuniting in the future? Could you see yourself working with any of them again?”

“I still work with Torii. That’s my sister, always will be and the disbandment of a packaged group won’t change that.”

“Okay, in terms of Fly Girl, including Leann and Ava. Is there a future for Fly Girl?”

“Probably. Would I join in, or want to join in?” Andrea nodded, waiting for Troy’s answer. “Nope. Some things are better left broken. And if someone were to try and fix it one day, it would take a major miracle.”

“Such as?”

Troy smiled before grabbing her cane, taking her time as she stood up. “We’d have to be in the same room without wanting to kill one another. Or, in my case, I’d have to see them and want to wish the best for them and mean it. That sounds mean but,” She lifted her cane “this was wished on me, so I can’t really feel anything positive for Leann or Ava. I haven’t made it that far past my anger yet.”

And with that Troy left, kicking off what Andrea was certain would be the very last Fly Girl interview. While she was glad she’d gotten the interview, and that she still had a few days left with them to get all the information she’d need, she was left a bit heartbroken and discouraged. She’d heard countless times about groups falling out, but never this badly. They’d all answered that question the same; a resounding NO to any type of reunion.

Andrea was now unsure of what she was getting herself into by penning the official Fly Girl biography. Perhaps it would be better to leave their memories as just that; memories. But as a longtime fan, and one of the many fans who held out hope for some type of explanation or resolution, her curiosity about the ins and outs of the group kept her mind on the prize. There was just one small glimmer of hope she would hold going into this task. Helping to heal the group by getting them to speak honestly. There had to be some good to come from this.

Looks Aren’t Everything by Cortney Joseph

Smiling as her husband wrapped his arm around her waist, carefully pulling her closer as he introduced her to his coworkers for the first time, Miki reveled in the welcomed closeness she’d desired so much lately. “Timothy, Allen; I’d love for you both to meet my beautiful wife, Miki. Darling, these are the gentleman I’m always losing my money to on the golf course.”

Joining in on the stuffy laughs that ensued after his corny joke, Miki smiled in her husband’s direction before shaking the hands of his coworkers. “Such a pleasure to meet you both. Rodney is always going on and on about your intense games.”

“Well, Ms. Miki, if he had any sense, he’d finally take Allen and I up on those lessons we offered him.” Rodney rolled his eyes, playfully nudging Timothy. “I’m just saying Rod; you’re not getting any better.”

Allen nodded in agreement. “And I’m certain this beauty is tired of you losing your money on a weekly basis.”

Miki smiled politely, lowering her head a little as Rodney chuckled. “It’s only been a few bad games lately. You know what usually happens when I’m on my A game though.”

Timothy looked in Allen’s direction before speaking up. “Yeah, you lose about ten dollars less per hole, but you still lose. Anyway, Miki, will you be joining us on the upcoming company vacation? It’s usually just the men, but every once in a while the main man decides to splurge just enough for us to invite spouses. All costs covered.”

Looking up as she spoke, Miki politely declined. “Um, unfortunately, no. I’ve been fortunate enough to have Rodney support me in my own professional endeavors and my company is just beginning to take off. Business is booming and I don’t really have anyone I trust enough to leave for longer than a day, two at most.”

Allen nodded. “Quite understandable. What do you do, if I may ask?”

Rodney quickly answered, beaming with pride and a bit of emotion that he rarely showed anyone. “Those brownies I’m always bringing to the office…” Allen and Timothy nodded, their mouths instantly watering at the thought. “My baby baked those. She owns a very quaint bakery over on the north side of town. She doesn’t consider it to be gourmet, but it is, and all of her creations are well worth the price.”

“You’re kidding?”

Rodney shook his head. “Darling Miki, that’s her establishment, and she does everything from pastries to multi-tier wedding cakes, eclairs, truffles, and more. She’s excellent.”

Timothy nodded his head in approval as he folded his arms across his chest. “Well I’ll be damned. I have my wife pick up an order from your place weekly. Ma’am, this man’s words do not do your talents any type of justice.”

She smiled, thanking them all as she hugged Rodney. “Your words are very kind, and appreciated; but I must say that had it not been for Rodney boosting my ego a little, I may have never even done more than cooking at home.”

“I’m so glad he did. I’ve already been talking people’s heads off about your bakery, but now I’m going to make sure they hightail it across town to check you out. You deserve all the success you’re receiving now and so much more.”

“Aww, thank you so much.” Pulling away from Rodney, sensing that his ‘closeness limit’ was drawing near, Miki pushed her hair over her shoulder. “I’m going to give you guys a chance to talk amongst yourselves. Babe, I’m going to step outside for a few moments.”

“Are you okay?”

She nodded. “Yes, just want to get a bit of fresh air. I’ll be back shortly.”

Rodney nodded, kissing her cheek. “Alright. And be careful as you walk around; Tim’s too cheap to have his floors fixed properly.”

Timothy laughed. “Well, if I beat you three more times, I’ll have enough of your money to cover the repairs.”

Miki shook her head, turning and walking away as the men talked among themselves. As she headed towards the door that led to the back area of Timothy’s estate; she took notice of the eyes that followed her. Though she had never been as shapely as she’d like to be; Miki knew that she wasn’t an unattractive woman either. A beautiful skin tone that had earned her the nickname Honey in her late teens, a naturally toned and slim figure, and long legs that she often accentuated with a pair of heels. Tonight, she chose a classic black dress; a staple in every woman’s closet, choosing to compliment her husband’s look rather than upstaging him as most of the other wives had done.

Though she hated to feel that none of the other wives liked her, she knew that they didn’t. The reason why was always lost to her, however. Miki had never been anything other than polite and kind; never spoke negatively or gossiped with or about them to others. Perhaps it was because she’d chosen not to be the typical housewife, and their husband’s often passed their sentiments of admiration off as disdain towards their personal choices. Maybe it was because they’d assumed she wanted their men. Maybe it was because they simply were the type of women her mother had always told her about. Rich, stuck-up, unsatisfied, and bitter; looking to take their personal problems out on someone else without having to fear a beat down. Whatever the situation was, she knew to keep her thoughts and feelings to herself; for Rodney’s sake.

The last thing she wanted to do was slip into her old ways; no filter, ready to fight, totally unafraid to embarrass herself for the sake of standing up for herself. She knew that she could not cost her husband his job or high rank within their little social surroundings.

Reaching the door, after feeling as if their hateful eyes would literally burn a hole in her back, Miki walked out onto the back patio quickly; exhaling deeply before she leaned against a railing.

She smiled, watching as a few older couples stood out, dancing across the lawn. Tears of Joy by Karyn White played over Timothy’s speaker system. Each couple shared smiles and knowing looks, sharing sweet kisses as they held one another closely. It was inspiring to see, at least for Miki, to see older individuals who still looked at one another as if they’d just fallen in love for the very first time. It was what she wanted for herself and Rodney.

She’d only hoped they’d be blessed enough to see twenty years, thirty, forty, fifty and more. Out of habit, she sang along lowly, watching… imagining that it were her and Rodney out there putting on a public display for other hopeful couples to see. “Happiness is what I feel whenever I have you near. Anytime I shed a tear, I’m crying tears of joy.

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?”

Looking to her left, Miki nodded before refocusing. “Very. Growing up, I didn’t see a lot of proof that love could last. That black love could last.”

The young lady who’d taken a stand next to Miki nodded her head in agreement. “Same. Parent’s offered no type of visual to this type of happiness and joy within a relationship. Like, you know there have been ups and downs, but they still come out strong.”

“It’s amazing. I always wonder how older folks made it work. Some things, they just seem too tough to get through. At least, in today’s times.”

The young lady nodded again. “That’s because us young folks don’t want to stay and fight for our love. At least, that’s what my grandparents say.” She pointed towards a couple standing square in the center of the lawn. “That’s them; been married for over sixty years, and are still going as if they’ve just began dating. It’s so cute to watch them.”

Miki smiled, feeling an even greater amount of admiration after hearing how long the beautiful couple had been together. “Amazing, and congratulations to them.”

“Thank you. I’m just glad they agreed to come along tonight. They don’t particularly care for my boss, but they love to have a good time.” Miki chuckled. “Sorry for intruding on your peaceful moment.”

Finally clearing her throat, turning away from the older couples, Miki waved off the young lady’s comment. “It’s no problem at all. I’m quite sure my husband will be glad that I’ve spoken to someone. These events for his company, I never feel as if I fit in.”

“Girl, I’m there with you. If I wasn’t Allen’s secretary, I surely wouldn’t bother coming through. They’re always celebrating something, big or small. Excuses to drink and clown one another publically, if you ask me. How come you aren’t in there with The Wives.”

Miki cringed a little, shrugging her shoulders. “Not my crowd, and they don’t like me very much.”

The young lady chuckled. “Oh, well don’t feel bad about it. They don’t like anybody that looks better than them. Whoever your husband is, I’d say he got the prettiest of you all.”

“Ha, you’re very kind. Sorry, I’m Miki Dawson.”

The young lady smiled, extending her hand before Miki politely shook it. “Gabrielle Tucker, and it’s very nice to meet you. Ever get dragged to another one of these parties, just seek me out if you want someone to talk to for the majority of the night. I’m usually hiding outside or in a corner somewhere.”

“Thanks, I’ll keep that in mind.” Checking her watch, Miki sighed. “I better get going, I’ve got work in the morning, but thank you so much for the conversation. And again, congrats to your grandparents. Wishing them many more.”

“Thank you, and have a good evening.”

After heading inside, Miki quickly found Rodney and announced that she was going to leave. “Do you want me to come with you?”

“No, go ahead and enjoy yourself. You’ve worked so much these past few weeks, you deserve to relax and have a little fun. No late night golf though.”

“Haha. I’m not that crazy, Baby. I forgot my glasses and Tim will cheat if he knew I can’t see a damn thing at night.” He kissed her cheek, quickly excusing himself from his circle of friends. “I’m going to walk my wife to her car.” They all nodded, wishing Miki a good night as she said goodbye and began to follow Rodney towards the front door.

Making it outside moments later, at the far end of the driveway where she’d parked, Rodney stopped Miki just before she could walk to the passenger side. “So, you’re going straight home?”

Looking into his eyes, she nodded. “Yes Rodney, where else would I go? I have five cakes I need done before eight a.m., and a huge order of cupcakes for a bridal party. Trust and believe, I’m going to shower and knock out.”

“You’re certain?”

Miki sighed, not really surprised that this side of him would come out once it was just the two of them. His jealousy was cute, to an extent, but it was a bit unnecessary since she was pretty much a homebody. “Yes Rodney.”

He nodded, rubbing her shoulder for a moment before he finally let her walk to the driver side and get in the car. As she buckled up, started the ignition, and began to drive away; he watched, standing with his hands in his pockets.

Turning up her radio to shake the sudden annoyance she felt, Miki nodded her head as Sylvia Robinson’s Pillow Talk began to play on one of her favorite quiet storm stations. She hoped that traffic would be light at this time of the night. All she wanted was a nice hot shower, a cup of tea, and her bed.

She knew that while he’d played nice in front of his friends, there would be an argument to follow once he returned home. If not tonight, most definitely at some point the next day when they saw one another again. Though she should have been, by now, Miki had yet to get used to the way Rodney flipped his mood switch on and off. One moment, caring and compassionate, the next second he could be cold and distant with no explanation. And that coldness could last for days… weeks, no matter what she did, said, or tried to make things better between them.

This evening had taken her by surprise. He never spoke of her business, aside from grunting or saying you do what you want anyway, nor had he ever talked up her company or her skills. Not to family, friends… anyone. Then again, he was always one to put on for the sake of looking good in front of those he felt could help advance his career. In this case, though they’d been friends for years, Timothy and Allen had a coveted position that Rodney felt he deserved; a stake in their law firm that he felt highly entitled to.

Miki sighed, scratching behind her ear for a second as she stopped and sat at a red light. “God, please tell or show me what I need to do to get Rodney and I back on track. If I’ve got to wait until this partnership thing passes, so be it, but please allow me to be prepared to fight to help him get back to the man I fell in love with. I miss my husband.”

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Keep Going.

Still a little inconsistent, and that’s okay. What’s important is that I’m sticking to it. Being active that is.

In the short time I’ve been going, I’ve learned that I actually enjoy the gym. It offers a lot of the motivation I struggle to feel throughout the week.

I didn’t go this morning, BUT I did take a nice walk and even though I’ve been a lil tired all day from it, I felt great getting out there and pushing myself to keep going.

I feel good, and that’s the best part.

Anyway, still no new stories, but here are my latest workout playlists. Hope they offer a bit of inspiration or simply get you hype. Enjoy and happy writing!

Finding My Way Back.

I’ve been feeling a lot of things, and all at once. And truthfully, it’s been extremely overwhelming.

On my good days, I’m feeling calm and a little happy. Very light, nothing weighing down on me.

And then the bad days are everything I don’t want or need. Grief, stress, frustration, betrayal, among a lot of other things.

And as life keeps on rolling and throwing punches at me, I’m most often choosing to stay to myself or avoid talking out what I’m truly feeling. And in recent days, holding back what I truly feel to avoid disrespecting and hurting the feelings of others.

If you read the last post I shared before I temporarily took my site down, you’ll know I lost 10+ years worth of my writings, and in the last two or three weeks since I still have not found it. I’ve let it go. But I still haven’t found any drive or motivation to start over or try to work on new projects. (I am actively TRYING to write, there just isn’t anything coming from me trying.)

So, in all this time I’ve picked up two things. Painting (which I won’t be sharing because it’s just therapeutic, and it’s also not that great, lol). And I’ve begun going to the gym with one of my most favorite people in this world. Granted we missed a little over a week since we started, the times I’ve gone so far have been so helpful.

To my mental, to help regulate all that I’ve been feeling. Giving me a new perspective over my life, helping me to become active again (I can admit since I’ve begun working at home I’ve gotten VERY lazy, as I used to walk to work 5 to 6 days out the week for just over 4 years). It’s just been really relaxing and it’s helped me feel better about myself, more than anything else has as of late.

I was thinking, to fill in gaps when I’m not sharing my writing, I could share the workout playlists I’ve been making. (I’ve always shared playlists from time to time anyway), and just show what has been giving me a bit of my spark and energy back. Today’s work out, along with some other things, has even sparked up the ideas for my first new story since losing my old work. Who knows what can come from it all, right?

Anyway, here are my first three workout playlists. I hope you enjoy, I hope they inspire some great works or give you the energy boosts they gave me. And as always, thank you for sticking around with MPWN, and happy writing!

It Must Be A Sign

I can’t tell you how many times I have lost stories, poems, full novels, etc. Found them sometime later, and then lost them again. Too many to count. And now that I’ve found as many as possible (YEARS worth of writings), you guessed it… I’ve lost the entire flash drive.

How? I don’t know.

Where? I don’t know ’cause I literally left it in the same spot I always leave it.

And it’s gone, all gone. And honestly, at this point I am tired.

It has to be a sign from God. Writing, or at least trying to make a living and career out of it just isn’t meant for me. No way can one person lose so much of their art so often and this still be what they’re meant to do.

Each time I lose my art, I feel like huge pieces of me are missing. And I feel like, what is the point in continuing if every time I take a few steps forward, I’m gonna be knocked a million steps back by losing my art in some way or another?

I’m frustrated (especially since I was already having trouble writing new things for nearly three years now), angry, and really don’t know if I want to or should keep going. It just doesn’t seem meant to be any longer.

New Post!

Hey there!

I’m back to working on and reworking many different stories. Some old, a few new. And because a lot of them will be too long for me to post chapter by chapter, I’ll be sharing those via my Wattpad account.

First story on the block is a reworking of a story I titled Til Johnny Comes, set in the 1960s. So if period pieces are your thing too, this may be a story for you.

The intro and the novel in full will be available to read on Wattpad, chapters posted as I write them. Click below to take a read of the intro.

Happy Reading!


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Late Night Thoughts

How is it possible to still be so overcome by and overwhelmed with grief, with loneliness after so much time has passed?

So many hours, days, weeks, months, and even years?

And how does it simultaneously feel as if it’s all just one big dream, or nightmare?

Logically, I know there can be no time limit placed on such a feeling, that it’s a natural and possibly lifelong reaction to loss.

But sometimes it just doesn’t make any sense.

“Pretty Brown” by Cortney Joseph #YoungCortWrote

As a little girl,

I would sit and wonder why I couldn’t be … better

Lighter skin, straighter hair.

Pretty in the eyes of an ugly society

In my eyes …

The kinks of my hair and the tone of my skin were hindering

And praise of the “Pretty Red” only showed that my brown skin was nothing to be proud of

TV showed no one like me, no one for me to see and say “that’s what beauty is”

Videos and magazines soon made the complex worse…

Make up and photo-shop showing that “flaws” and “imperfections” could be hidden and …

Cleaned up. Dark skin made as light as they saw fit.

And I would sit and cry, and wonder, and pray, and hope that someday I would be lighter, with straighter hair

Pretty in the eyes of this ugly society

I didn’t understand that my brown skin was just the same as the light skinned girls everyone said were prettier than I

And I didn’t understand that they felt the same sense of despair and shame that I felt

Being told that they weren’t perfect or pretty enough either.

It took years for me to understand that we are all the same, all black …

High yellow with short hair, Light Skinned with long hair, Dark Brown with no hair, or Black As Night with nappy hair…

We’re all the same.

Born into this world to do something great, not dwell on the differences in the way God made us.

I love my pretty brown skin. Love yours.

“Whispers Through Heaven” by Cortney Joseph #YoungCortWrote

Mind if I sit here for just a moment? I wanna … talk to you, for just a while.

I know it’s been a while, I know I never visit.

I just…. I find it so hard to accept, understand. I can’t comprehend why we have to talk this way.

Why I have to send whispers through Heaven.

See, it’s been some years and I’ve been shedding tears, wondering what we’d be like if you were here.

If I could hold you near and tell you all that I do; all that I go through in hopes of making you proud.

I hope that you’re proud.

How have you been? Is it nice there? Do you miss me?

Silly questions I know, forgive me. I just wonder these things. Not knowing hurts sometimes.

I’m still shedding tears, trying to make it through without breaking down… never letting on

That I long for just a single touch.

I imagine your voice, soft and low telling me there’s no need to cry, but I cry anyway

Just imagining how it’d feel to hear you say “don’t cry Baby.”

You’d probably say stay positive, push forward…

And I try, wishing you were here to share in what success I do find…

It sometimes brings me back down, brings me back to that place in my mind that wants to cry and hide.

Makes me mad that I have to whisper through Heaven just to give you this letter, just to say …

I need you.

Couldn’t you have stayed? Couldn’t we have had more time, more moments? I need you.

Silly and selfish of me, I know. Forgive me, I shouldn’t question these things.

I just wonder what it’d feel like to be in the comfort of your arms again.

To dream and wake up and see you standing there; I need you.

I need a hug, a small embrace … just a little moment, some reassurance that you hear me

And you need me too. That you miss me too.

Here come the tears again, I’ll let them fall on this paper.

They’ll be my kisses on this letter that I’m whispering through Heaven.

I know you’ll get it, just as I know God’s got you.                                               

I’ll keep dreaming, waiting for that assurance. Wishing for one last moment.

One last kiss, one last hug … a gentle breeze across my shoulder, your touch…

I miss you.

“Hope Someday” by Cortney Joseph #YoungCortWrote

It often feels as though your back is to the wall

There’s no one to help, no one who cares to TRY and understand

“Why can’t you control him?” “If it was my child, she’d be dealt with appropriately”…

Please, tell me what’s appropriate enough for a child who lacks understanding,

Not by choice, it’s NOT their fault.

Forgive me for seeming as though I’m at my wits end…

Please forgive me for “enjoying” the silent stares and whispers of adults WHO think they know enough about my life to THINK I’m not a good enough parent.

Ha, could you handle it?

Wondering if your child will scream and shout because you tried to exchange something they love for something you think and hope they would like?

Could you break apart a wheel chair, day in and day out… or… take the unintentional beatings while adjusting leg braces?

Could you handle the cries of a child afraid to make YOU cry, but still unable to hold back their own emotions when they just can’t get their way?

Financial struggles, fears of being called unfit… sometimes unable to follow your own dreams, because their needs are just THAT much more important than your own.

What if you felt as though all you could do was lie awake late at night, hoping and wishing for solutions… and treatments, and help, and love, and SUPPORT that just may never come?

You don’t understand.

See… to you, the screaming and yelling is all because they live in a home where the parents and siblings are just too care free.

“We let our child cry it out.” “We believe in letting them express their selves in whatever way they see fit.”

As though I didn’t take into consideration that a simple visit to the doctor’s office could turn into nurses being hit with tiny toys.

As though I didn’t take into consideration that a single isle in the grocery store just may be torn apart if I don’t keep my eye on my child every single second I’m there…

I consider it all…

Just like I consider that there may be people who would take into consideration that maybe… just maybe, a person like me is doing all that I can to make things OKAY.

No, it’s not okay.

It’s easy for one to sit there with smug looks and side eyes and misinterpret my actions based on shit they REFUSE to TRY and understand.

No, this wasn’t written and it’s damn sure not spoken for pity…

It was written and it’s spoken for those who DO understand. Those who go through the pain with no help.

Those who get the looks, the whispers… Those at their wits end. Those who do manage to cope better than others.

The mothers, the fathers, the sisters, the brothers.

I understand.

We’re not alone. There is hope. Someday, it will be okay.